At this point the new kids have been here for six months. (At some point I'm gonna have to stop calling them new kids... but they might always be new kids, as we probably were to the year before us.) That's incredibly weird, considering that we got here a year before them, so that means I've been here for 18 months. And the weirdest part is that the new kids consider me a source of wisdom and advice. I know that because they've told me (at least a couple of them have) and every time I just don't know how to respond. It's weird and hard to consider that you're good at anything here, because every day something happens that makes you feel stupid. But every day you get incrementally less bad at things. I keep telling the new kids that you don't see it happening, that it happens so little-by-little that you keep it in your head that you're as incompetent as when you arrived, but all of a sudden you're a year in and you're not stumbling over your French as much, you can have entire conversations in another language without having to go through point by point and conjugate and make sure you have a script built up in your head. You go to the market by yourself, instead of asking slyly if someone more experienced will go with you so you can ask them to do all the talking and negotiating for you. You order what you really want when you get food, instead of saying "meme chose" (same thing) as the person in front of you because it's easier.
But obviously, you are learning. I am learning. And now I think in French, but almost exclusively when I'm mad or have to argue, or when I'm thinking of lesson plans and new concepts. I dream in French occasionally. And what I'm noticing is, I have a completely different personality in French. I'm more patient, but more aggressive and argumentative. I'm kind (I "s'il vous plait" more than anyone in this country) but I follow that up with the kind of demands I will not budge on. I'm sassy, and I make jokes, but I turn on a dime and will not stand down. I'm authoritative in French. I have no idea how to compare that to who I am in English, because I'm just me in English, or at least the me I've always known myself to be.
I remember Sandy said to me that French will always be a language of anger for her, and I think the same thing has happened to me. Sometimes when something makes me mad, even something American or a conversation I had in English, I instinctively start yelling in my head in French. But I hope it makes me powerful. I feel like it's kind of leaking into my English too. I used to be a little scared of how... demanding? unrelenting?... my mom used to be when she had to fight for something (almost only at work, my mom isn't actually mean or scary, but when she means business she means business!) and now I'm recognizing that same quality in myself. I hope that I am using it for good, when I argue why girls should have rights and protections in a country that sees them just as chore-doers and sexual objects, when I argue that women are smart and strong, when I try to impress that my white skin does not make rich or stupid or weak.
I feel dumb a lot of times when I use French, but I also feel powerful because I almost always communicate strong, important messages. I don't gossip in French, or tell silly jokes or puns (although I do joke with the mamas in the market, and I think it's funny when I get sassy with zemidjan drivers, even if no one else does), I don't chatter idly. When I'm using French its to teach or instruct, to negotiate, to demand, to communicate. When I use French, I mean business.
So I guess what I mean to say is, thanks Mom!
How Beninese people make me feel
What smart people have to say about it
But obviously, you are learning. I am learning. And now I think in French, but almost exclusively when I'm mad or have to argue, or when I'm thinking of lesson plans and new concepts. I dream in French occasionally. And what I'm noticing is, I have a completely different personality in French. I'm more patient, but more aggressive and argumentative. I'm kind (I "s'il vous plait" more than anyone in this country) but I follow that up with the kind of demands I will not budge on. I'm sassy, and I make jokes, but I turn on a dime and will not stand down. I'm authoritative in French. I have no idea how to compare that to who I am in English, because I'm just me in English, or at least the me I've always known myself to be.
I remember Sandy said to me that French will always be a language of anger for her, and I think the same thing has happened to me. Sometimes when something makes me mad, even something American or a conversation I had in English, I instinctively start yelling in my head in French. But I hope it makes me powerful. I feel like it's kind of leaking into my English too. I used to be a little scared of how... demanding? unrelenting?... my mom used to be when she had to fight for something (almost only at work, my mom isn't actually mean or scary, but when she means business she means business!) and now I'm recognizing that same quality in myself. I hope that I am using it for good, when I argue why girls should have rights and protections in a country that sees them just as chore-doers and sexual objects, when I argue that women are smart and strong, when I try to impress that my white skin does not make rich or stupid or weak.
I feel dumb a lot of times when I use French, but I also feel powerful because I almost always communicate strong, important messages. I don't gossip in French, or tell silly jokes or puns (although I do joke with the mamas in the market, and I think it's funny when I get sassy with zemidjan drivers, even if no one else does), I don't chatter idly. When I'm using French its to teach or instruct, to negotiate, to demand, to communicate. When I use French, I mean business.
So I guess what I mean to say is, thanks Mom!
How Beninese people make me feel
What smart people have to say about it
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