I want to tell you something about the Sneaky Hate Spiral. The Sneaky Hate Spiral, SHS, is this never-ending circle of things being annoying and irritating, and because of that you get more annoyed and irritated. It starts out like thus:
Something hits you, or you have a bad day. Some times these are isolated incidents: someone says something mean, your stomach hurts, something you were really excited about failed in a glorious show of catastrophe around your feet. Sometimes, this incident of catastrophe jumpstarts the SHS, and that bad day makes you so annoyed and irritated that lose all hope in the system, yourself, your village, whatever. And because you've lost all hope, you spend the whole next day hidden in your house because your kindle never disappoints you and everything else is the worst. Then that causes you to feel guilty, and to be scared of leaving the house the next day because you're scared somebody will say something nasty about how you didn't leave your house the day before. So then you spend two days in your house, or you avoid certain people that you like the most and don't want to hate you, then you feel guilty and terrible and like a big fat failure. And because you feel so lousy, you become more annoyed and irritated, and want to go out and do work even less. After a few days of this, you try to convince yourself that it's all Benin's fault, that it's right to close yourself up like a hermit because that's perfectly acceptable in America. It's weak, and you know it, but you go with it. But after a few days you feel even lousier.
Finally you break out of it, or get a break, and you have a good day, and all of a sudden Benin is this magical, motivated place with so much potential. You become satisfied with your work, which makes you want to go do more the next day, and you set up meetings and plan out formations, and those go well, and they lead to other work, and because you're so happy to being doing work you're glowing and happy and optimistic. Then something hits you, or you have a bad day....
I think you get it.
At the moment I'm in that right between space, clawing my way out of the sneaky hate part and into the everything's gonna be great part. Also I'm kinda venn diagramming, because simultaneously I'm also right in the middle of a completely different Spiral, the Never Satisfied When You Know Theres Something Else Is Out There Spiral, the NSWYKTSEOTS.
The NSWYKTSEOTS goes like this: I kind of always dreamed about Peace Corps, so I built up this huge great adventure, this idea that I could live in a cool place, use my talents and experience for the greater good in a community that needed me, gain skills along the way, travel. Those are all true things, but after about 6 months you get complacent, because thats just what happens. So you start dreaming about being in America, being able to go to book stores and drive and having a nice kitchen, meeting friends in coffee shops and eating mexican food with your parents. But then, when you get to the place where you are doing that, the America of your dreams, when you're all settled in and recovering from your last adventure, just happy to be in a place thats home and normal, 6 months pass and you get bored of that. You start itching for your next adventure. You want to go aimlessly traveling. So you do, you quite your job, or you save your money, and you go hop around Asia for a while. And that's great, relaxing and interesting and fun, but you feel selfish because while you're having a blast you're not contributing to the world. So you start to cast about how you can find your next great adventure, this idea that you could live in a cool place, use your talents and experience for the greater good in a community that needed you, gain skills along the way, travel... You look for your next Peace Corps, so to speak.
You see?
And as if one of those weren't enough, I'm being thrashed about between these two whirlpools like a guppy, almost to the point that I'm scared that I'll never find that nirvana part, that place where I can do all these things and be all these things and have all these things. What if I've spent all this time in Benin just dreaming about how delightful America is, only to go back and be disappointed and bored? And what if that drives me to another place, only to be bored with that in 6 months? What does this mean for my future?
These are the things I think about when it's late and you don't have electricity. I guess it's not the biggest problem, considering that that world is my playground. But still, it's worth a good ponder.
Something hits you, or you have a bad day. Some times these are isolated incidents: someone says something mean, your stomach hurts, something you were really excited about failed in a glorious show of catastrophe around your feet. Sometimes, this incident of catastrophe jumpstarts the SHS, and that bad day makes you so annoyed and irritated that lose all hope in the system, yourself, your village, whatever. And because you've lost all hope, you spend the whole next day hidden in your house because your kindle never disappoints you and everything else is the worst. Then that causes you to feel guilty, and to be scared of leaving the house the next day because you're scared somebody will say something nasty about how you didn't leave your house the day before. So then you spend two days in your house, or you avoid certain people that you like the most and don't want to hate you, then you feel guilty and terrible and like a big fat failure. And because you feel so lousy, you become more annoyed and irritated, and want to go out and do work even less. After a few days of this, you try to convince yourself that it's all Benin's fault, that it's right to close yourself up like a hermit because that's perfectly acceptable in America. It's weak, and you know it, but you go with it. But after a few days you feel even lousier.
Finally you break out of it, or get a break, and you have a good day, and all of a sudden Benin is this magical, motivated place with so much potential. You become satisfied with your work, which makes you want to go do more the next day, and you set up meetings and plan out formations, and those go well, and they lead to other work, and because you're so happy to being doing work you're glowing and happy and optimistic. Then something hits you, or you have a bad day....
I think you get it.
At the moment I'm in that right between space, clawing my way out of the sneaky hate part and into the everything's gonna be great part. Also I'm kinda venn diagramming, because simultaneously I'm also right in the middle of a completely different Spiral, the Never Satisfied When You Know Theres Something Else Is Out There Spiral, the NSWYKTSEOTS.
The NSWYKTSEOTS goes like this: I kind of always dreamed about Peace Corps, so I built up this huge great adventure, this idea that I could live in a cool place, use my talents and experience for the greater good in a community that needed me, gain skills along the way, travel. Those are all true things, but after about 6 months you get complacent, because thats just what happens. So you start dreaming about being in America, being able to go to book stores and drive and having a nice kitchen, meeting friends in coffee shops and eating mexican food with your parents. But then, when you get to the place where you are doing that, the America of your dreams, when you're all settled in and recovering from your last adventure, just happy to be in a place thats home and normal, 6 months pass and you get bored of that. You start itching for your next adventure. You want to go aimlessly traveling. So you do, you quite your job, or you save your money, and you go hop around Asia for a while. And that's great, relaxing and interesting and fun, but you feel selfish because while you're having a blast you're not contributing to the world. So you start to cast about how you can find your next great adventure, this idea that you could live in a cool place, use your talents and experience for the greater good in a community that needed you, gain skills along the way, travel... You look for your next Peace Corps, so to speak.
You see?
And as if one of those weren't enough, I'm being thrashed about between these two whirlpools like a guppy, almost to the point that I'm scared that I'll never find that nirvana part, that place where I can do all these things and be all these things and have all these things. What if I've spent all this time in Benin just dreaming about how delightful America is, only to go back and be disappointed and bored? And what if that drives me to another place, only to be bored with that in 6 months? What does this mean for my future?
These are the things I think about when it's late and you don't have electricity. I guess it's not the biggest problem, considering that that world is my playground. But still, it's worth a good ponder.
