My friend Nell saves all her texts that are funny. I made so much fun of her when I found that out, but the other night I found myself going though my own inbox/outbox, and I found more than a few gems. (Yes, I am aware that sounds a little cocky, very 'oh look at how funny I am!') And as I was reading through them, it struck me what an oddly clear lens my texts are as a way to view my life in Benin. Some of them are silly, some downright bizarre, some just completely unexplainable. But I'd kinda like to share them with you, so you can see my strange day-to-day experiences, and judge me if you want. I didn't ask my friends for their permission, so if they ever see this, I'm sorry but our lives are too ridiculous not to share.
Me: OMG IDRISSOU JUST TOTALLY TOOK OUT THE ROPE ON ONE OF THOSE DOUCHEY FAKE POLICE STOPS WITH HIS CRAZY MOTOCROSS BIKE. It was an accident but it was so badass. The fake gendarme just crossed his arms and gave us an angry look. It was so great.
[So, all over the bush there are these guys who like to pretend that they are the military, usually complete with fake guns and sometimes military garb, and they try to charge money to pass as a kind od informal toll booth. I don't know why they do this because everyone knows that they are fake and no one ever pays, and I've never had a problem because they know that white people, who they just assume are working with the government, are not required to pay fees and tolls. But still, you get a kind of satisfaction when they are bested, because they are usually really annoying and terrible people.]
Sierra: Our meme tiss is so good.
[This is SUCH a volunteer thing to say. So 'meme tiss' is basically volunteer-french for the same tissu, or fabric. Beninese people love to get matching tissu, so naturally volunteers jump at any opportunity to get matching tissu. Also it's usually a nice close mate kind of thing, which is why Sierra and I made the specific effort to find a good matching fabric to represent our proximity and awesomeness.]
Nell: Babies doing or wearing adult things is always adorable. Full bomba plus shoes on a four year old? Might be my favorite thing.
[A bomba is the full tissu outfit, shirt and pants for boys, shirt and wrap skirt for girls, and it is pretty rare to see a kid wearing one. Actually, it's super rare to see a kid wearing pants, so when you see a kid all dressed up for church or whatnot, oh man it is the cutest.]
Me: I woke up from a nap in some rando's concession surrounded by kids making flowers out of toilet paper. It was some serious Martha Stewart shit.
Nell: Do you think you'd be happier in this country if it weren't so damn hot all the time?
Literally Everyone: Resend!
[Because I have terrible service, and because a lot of other people have terrible service, often times you'll get half of a text message, or a few straggling words that don't make sense. So at least once a day I shoot out a text saying simply, 'Resend!!' It's not my favorite. My friends are very patient with my lack of service.]
Nell: I know it was your dream to shit your pants in a fancy PC car, but throwing up might be just as nice.
Sierra: I appreciate your faith in the magic chicken box. You hold on to that :)
[So, Sierra and I were walking through Kalale one evening and out of nowhere there appeared a lighted rotisserie box, complete with rotating skinny chickens. In the middle of the bush! Out of nowhere! I was so amazed, and now we are constantly marveling over the unlikeliness of a rotisserie chicken box in downtown Kalale.]
Nell: Also have you really thought about finding a tooth in your food before? That's never crossed my mind before. I should probably be more grossed out than I was.
[Shudder.]
Raili: I'm on an ATT bus with no tv. Dreams really do come true!
[So, we northerners have to take a looong, 8-14 hour bus ride when we go down to Cotonou. Most of the busses are overcrowded and have no air conditioning, and you stop once at the halfway point to buy avocado sandwiches and oranges. While all of that sounds pretty bad already, usually at some point a guy will get on and preach for HOURS about his magical juice with sticks in it, which corrects anything from a cold to erection troubles. Honestly it doesn't matter what they are selling because they are just yelling forever about something or another, walking around, trying to engage the white person. I ignore them as hard as I can, usually to no avail. But the worst part is that oftentimes the bus driver will put on some video, a Nigerian soap opera, Ghanain music videos, whatever it is, but as LOUD AS POSSIBLE. It makes an already painful ride that much worse. So when you get a bus with a broken tv... Ahhhh, heaven.]
Nell: You're obsessed with your best friend. Who is a cat. Maybe this country is a bad influence on you. In a bad way.
Me: The accountant just poked my belly and said, 'is that a baby in there or is it ignam pilee?' Neither you jerk.......... it's cookies.
[Oh, Beninese body issues. So, here in West Africa, it is a compliment to point out someones weight gain, or to acknowledge someones heft. I wouldn't say that I'm hefty, per se, but I'm certainly not waifish, and I can not tell you how many times people have poked me in the belly, or asked me if I'm pregnant, and told me how fat I am with pure joy on their faces. If you are fat then you are healthy and well-fed, so I get that idea. But I don't love when people tell me, 'Oh Pamudo, you're so fat! Did you visit your husband recently? Are you pregnant? Felicitations!!' Shut up jerks. So what if I just ate an entire chocolate bar...]
Lizzy: Ugh is it september yet?
[OH MY GOD, I think this almost every day. We are just hanging on until September.]
Nell: Right? A no nap day is a wasted day.
Sierra: You know in Mean Girls when Regina can't fit into her prom dress and the lady tells her to go to Sears? That's how I felt at the tailer's today.
[See above and our body issues. Also, how on earth are you supposed to manage your weight when the ONLY things to eat here are carbs and starches? You know that whole food pyramid thing? I'm lucky if I get an onion a day, not to mention the countless servings of fruits and vegetables suggested. So yeah, moving to Africa does not mean you get skinny. I've made peace with it.]
Me: OMG IDRISSOU JUST TOTALLY TOOK OUT THE ROPE ON ONE OF THOSE DOUCHEY FAKE POLICE STOPS WITH HIS CRAZY MOTOCROSS BIKE. It was an accident but it was so badass. The fake gendarme just crossed his arms and gave us an angry look. It was so great.
[So, all over the bush there are these guys who like to pretend that they are the military, usually complete with fake guns and sometimes military garb, and they try to charge money to pass as a kind od informal toll booth. I don't know why they do this because everyone knows that they are fake and no one ever pays, and I've never had a problem because they know that white people, who they just assume are working with the government, are not required to pay fees and tolls. But still, you get a kind of satisfaction when they are bested, because they are usually really annoying and terrible people.]
Sierra: Our meme tiss is so good.
[This is SUCH a volunteer thing to say. So 'meme tiss' is basically volunteer-french for the same tissu, or fabric. Beninese people love to get matching tissu, so naturally volunteers jump at any opportunity to get matching tissu. Also it's usually a nice close mate kind of thing, which is why Sierra and I made the specific effort to find a good matching fabric to represent our proximity and awesomeness.]
Nell: Babies doing or wearing adult things is always adorable. Full bomba plus shoes on a four year old? Might be my favorite thing.
[A bomba is the full tissu outfit, shirt and pants for boys, shirt and wrap skirt for girls, and it is pretty rare to see a kid wearing one. Actually, it's super rare to see a kid wearing pants, so when you see a kid all dressed up for church or whatnot, oh man it is the cutest.]
Me: I woke up from a nap in some rando's concession surrounded by kids making flowers out of toilet paper. It was some serious Martha Stewart shit.
Nell: Do you think you'd be happier in this country if it weren't so damn hot all the time?
Literally Everyone: Resend!
[Because I have terrible service, and because a lot of other people have terrible service, often times you'll get half of a text message, or a few straggling words that don't make sense. So at least once a day I shoot out a text saying simply, 'Resend!!' It's not my favorite. My friends are very patient with my lack of service.]
Nell: I know it was your dream to shit your pants in a fancy PC car, but throwing up might be just as nice.
Sierra: I appreciate your faith in the magic chicken box. You hold on to that :)
[So, Sierra and I were walking through Kalale one evening and out of nowhere there appeared a lighted rotisserie box, complete with rotating skinny chickens. In the middle of the bush! Out of nowhere! I was so amazed, and now we are constantly marveling over the unlikeliness of a rotisserie chicken box in downtown Kalale.]
Nell: Also have you really thought about finding a tooth in your food before? That's never crossed my mind before. I should probably be more grossed out than I was.
[Shudder.]
Raili: I'm on an ATT bus with no tv. Dreams really do come true!
[So, we northerners have to take a looong, 8-14 hour bus ride when we go down to Cotonou. Most of the busses are overcrowded and have no air conditioning, and you stop once at the halfway point to buy avocado sandwiches and oranges. While all of that sounds pretty bad already, usually at some point a guy will get on and preach for HOURS about his magical juice with sticks in it, which corrects anything from a cold to erection troubles. Honestly it doesn't matter what they are selling because they are just yelling forever about something or another, walking around, trying to engage the white person. I ignore them as hard as I can, usually to no avail. But the worst part is that oftentimes the bus driver will put on some video, a Nigerian soap opera, Ghanain music videos, whatever it is, but as LOUD AS POSSIBLE. It makes an already painful ride that much worse. So when you get a bus with a broken tv... Ahhhh, heaven.]
Nell: You're obsessed with your best friend. Who is a cat. Maybe this country is a bad influence on you. In a bad way.
Me: The accountant just poked my belly and said, 'is that a baby in there or is it ignam pilee?' Neither you jerk.......... it's cookies.
[Oh, Beninese body issues. So, here in West Africa, it is a compliment to point out someones weight gain, or to acknowledge someones heft. I wouldn't say that I'm hefty, per se, but I'm certainly not waifish, and I can not tell you how many times people have poked me in the belly, or asked me if I'm pregnant, and told me how fat I am with pure joy on their faces. If you are fat then you are healthy and well-fed, so I get that idea. But I don't love when people tell me, 'Oh Pamudo, you're so fat! Did you visit your husband recently? Are you pregnant? Felicitations!!' Shut up jerks. So what if I just ate an entire chocolate bar...]
Lizzy: Ugh is it september yet?
[OH MY GOD, I think this almost every day. We are just hanging on until September.]
Nell: Right? A no nap day is a wasted day.
Sierra: You know in Mean Girls when Regina can't fit into her prom dress and the lady tells her to go to Sears? That's how I felt at the tailer's today.
[See above and our body issues. Also, how on earth are you supposed to manage your weight when the ONLY things to eat here are carbs and starches? You know that whole food pyramid thing? I'm lucky if I get an onion a day, not to mention the countless servings of fruits and vegetables suggested. So yeah, moving to Africa does not mean you get skinny. I've made peace with it.]
